Pain. It's been 11 months and I can look back on what I wrote then and I can see that it's bullshit. Well, mostly bullshit. I did get myself in school and I'm motoring toward what I want to do. On the flip side of that, school is probably the only thing keeping me from going insane. I've got no social life, which hurts sometimes, but then I remember that I cant really afford one anyway. I dont sleep much at all, but thats nothing new.

I just cant find anything to believe in anymore. Its like some cosmic vacuum sucked the joy right out of my life. When I'm keeping busy with school, I dont notice it so much. But then comes the downtime, and it floods in. Theres so many things I want to say, but I cant, either out of fear or self-loathing. I dont know where it comes from, but I want it to end.

The hardest part of it all is that I look at myself in the mirror and I'm in exactly the same place I was a decade ago. Physically and emotionally. I feel hollow and broken and I have no solution to the problem.

I just want to go back and do it all differently.
I really do.